Nine Lives: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Written By Tommy Tracy

Nine Lives poster

Nine Lives Plot Summary:

A father (Kevin Spacey) gets so wrapped up in his business, he can’t make time for his pre-teen daughter (Malina Weissman), or wife (Jennifer Garner). All his daughter Rebecca wants for her birthday is a kitty. When Tom enters the shop, the owner (Christopher Walken) transforms him into a cat.  Tom has to find it in his heart to be a good father, or remain in the feline body forever.

Sigh. I never thought I’d call myself a hero, per say, but I should get a medal for sitting through the biggest piece of cinematic trash since The Adventures of Pluto Nash. So bear with me as I rip this “kid’s film” a new one. It deserves it.

We follow Kevin Spacey (who must not care much for his career), a non-existent father/husband who has no time for his family. All his daughter wants for her birthday is a kitty. He finally caves so she’ll leave him alone. Great parenting. He comes across a pet store owned by Christopher Walken, who magically turns him into a cat, messing up his entire life. Walken’s role is very similar to what he did in Click. It’s actually hard to believe he would do the same thing again. Money talks.

Nine Lives pic1

The characters in this film are the most ridiculous, stupid people I’ve ever seen on film. And I’ve seen A LOT of movies. How do you get a new kitty and leave it in the house with no food, no litter and no attention? Then you decide to feed him in the morning, 12 HOURS AFTER YOU’VE GOTTEN IT! Jennifer Garner is the worst mother, doing everything her daughter asks, which is exactly how to succeed as a parent. Kevin Spacey is so God awful here, I will never look at him the same way in films such as Se7en and The Usual Suspects again. Sir, you were one of my favorite actors, but I have lost a lot of respect for you today. Did you need the money? Is House of Cards in some hot water? I mean, what happened?

So maybe I’m being harsh. Some people would have you believe this is a kid’s film, and should be viewed as such. This statement is wrong. Toy Story, Shrek, Inside Out and anything else Disney and Dreamworks have put out are all kid’s films that succeed in telling a riveting, and sometimes heartbreaking story that make both children and adults alike enjoy them. This is an atrocious pile of garbage that the director of my beloved Men in Black series has put out.  It’s not a kid’s movie because it focuses on business meetings and suicide. Yes, I said suicide, which is incredibly appropriate.

If you haven’t noticed, I hate this movie. Some may say the “big release” this past weekend is garbage (not my place to say here), but Jesus, did they even try here? Did anyone actually read this script? Did anyone notice that adults would have to suffer, but children would have to suffer even more? Look, I also saw Norm of the North this year, and by God, that was a cinematic masterpiece by comparison. Don’t see it.  Don’t take your kids to see it.  Don’t let studios make crap like this again.

Final Grade: 0/10. F. Held Back. Failure. Mistake.  Whatever else I can throw at it